


Reaper Chocolate

by CloverTheGrand



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gabriel Eats (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Multi, POV Crowley (Good Omens), Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Silly, domestic life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:28:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23709916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloverTheGrand/pseuds/CloverTheGrand
Summary: Crowley spied a jug of cocoa on the kitchen table, so he poured himself a mug full and chugged it down. Big mistake. As it turned out, Gabriel and Aziraphale had been experimenting with the original xocolatl recipe, which included chili. Maybe Crowley could’ve tolerated it. Barely though. He did not handle spicy foods well, but he could’ve tolerated it.That was, if Gabriel and Aziraphale used something other than the Carolina Reaper chili, which had a Scoville Heat Unit of 1,569,300.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley/Gabriel (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Gabriel (Good Omens), Crowley/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	Reaper Chocolate

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the headcanon that Gabriel and Aziraphale like to snack on spicy foods while Crowley watch in horror, and then this fic was born.

Crowley yelped as the flavour of the cocoa kicked in.

When he walked into the kitchen that morning, he noticed that a jug of cocoa was sitting in the kitchen. The cocoa had cooled down to room temperature by then. Aziraphale must’ve been introducing Gabriel to cocoa today. Though lukewarm cocoa was no fun, Crowley was feeling peckish so he poured himself a mug of it and emptied it with a few big, generous swigs.

Big mistake. A bitter and spicy taste flared down his throat which made him cough as his poor eyes watered. What the deuce did they put in it? Crowley received his answer when he spied a pile of cut chilis on the cutting board, as well as a mortar and pestle. Beside it was a box of plain cocoa powder, as well as an empty vanilla pod.

As he slammed his mug down onto the kitchen counter, he looked at Aziraphale and Gabriel, who were sitting at the dining room table, sipping the cocoa from their own angel wing mugs, snacking on soft milk breads and bantering like there was nothing else wrong.

Crowley took off his sunglasses and wiped the tears from his eyes as he heaved in deep breaths. Scratch the bitterness, the spiciness of the cocoa was really getting to him. “You, you two can drink that?!”

Aziraphale furrowed his eyebrows at the sight of Crowley’s state while Gabriel blinked.

“Why of course!” Said Gabriel. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s spicy!” By now Crowley was feeling like a hot whistling kettle about to overflow. He grasped onto whatever surface he could grasp as he hyperventilated, his tongue and throat feeling like the M25 during Armageddon’t.

“Cocoa _is_ supposed to be spicy, silly! That’s how the Aztecs made them.”

Oh. Right. The Aztecs. They had a flying snake God and everything. Crowley did consider posing as that snake God, but then stuff happened in the Ottoman Empire and he was made to go there instead. Well if he knew that this was the food they sacrificed for their snake God, Crowley would’ve gladly taken the Ottoman mission instead.

As Crowley squeezed his eyes shut and fanned his tongue, a cold sheen of sweat forming on his forehead, Aziraphale rushed to his side and stroked his back before ordering Gabriel to pour him a glass of cold milk.

“I dreadfully apologise, dear boy,” Aziraphale started as Crowley snatched the milk and chugged it down, “I was craving for the original xocolatl recipe, and Gabriel wanted to try some, too. Then we wanted to experiment with different chilis, and, well, I suppose we just got carried away.”

Crowley slammed the empty glass down. The cold milk helped a bit, but as soon as he finished that glass, the trail the hot chocolate left in his throat and stomach flared up again, sending into a coughing fit as his head throbbed.

“Can’t handle spicy foods well?” Gabriel asked as he refilled Crowley’s glass.

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“But the… Hellfire and the ‘can withstand fire and boiling water’ thing? With demons and all that?”

“Tastebuds work differently, dear,” Aziraphale reminded him.

“I was about to ask how _you two_ can stand it!” Crowley chugged the milk down, but it was not doing much for his head, which he was sure was about to pop. “Seriously, what chili did you use?!”

“Oh, this batch has a chili called the Carolina Reaper.”

“Carolina Reaper?!”

“Aziraphale told me that it had a nice, smoky, fruity taste, and I agree! 1,569,300 Scoville Heat Units, too, can you believe that, right up there in the millions. Uh, more milk?”

Who would’ve known that Gabriel and Aziraphale would be such food gurus. Crowley sighed, then gestured for Gabriel to pour him more milk as he rubbed his head.

“It’s best consumed slowly with carbohydrates,” said Aziraphale. “Oh!” Then he tutted. “Did you just chug an entire mug full in one go! You know you don’t handle spicy foods well!”

Aziraphale must’ve seen his empty mug. Crowley, with great embarrassment, nodded.

However, as Gabriel tipped the milk jug, only a measly trickle poured into the glass. Gabriel looked at the now empty jug with a frown. Screw this, Crowley thought.

Crowley dove for the freezer’s handle, though he missed and fell onto the ground. Aziraphale opened the freezer for him, so Crowley climbed back up and grabbed the tub of hokey pokey ice cream resting inside. He ripped the lid open and, despite protests from Gabriel and Aziraphale, planted his whole face inside.

An hour later, the throbbing and the sweating was gone, though Crowley’s tongue still ached from the aftermaths of the Carolina Reaper’s assault. His face was cleaned, at least, and he had changed out of sweat-drenched clothes. The three of them sat at the dinner table as Crowley scooped the ice cream out of its tub, spoonful by spoonful, and savoured the sweet toffee flavour.

“Next time, dear boy,” Aziraphale said with a huff, “check what’s in your food _before_ eating it.”


End file.
